When I met my husband, I remember him proudly telling me about a solo vacation he took to Europe before he met me. For the life of me, I did not understand why anyone would choose solitude over company, especially when on holiday...
Fifteen years later, I find myself searching for solitude and having trouble finding it. Most of my time is dedicated to kids, family and friends and I always manage to put myself and my needs on the back burner. What if I did something exclusively for myself for a change? And what if I did it completely alone?
Part of the learning curve being on the journey of health and well-being was to step outside my comfort zone, challenge myself and prioritize my needs by doing more for myself. I knew a retreat would hit the nail on the head. I honestly did not know what I was getting myself into or what to expect. All I had going for me was my gut feeling. I chose Sri Lanka because it was familiar to me, but I decided to skip the beach and try the mountains for a change, where the weather was much cooler and everything green was abundant. Set on 48 acres of luscious green nature and endless tea plantations, about an hour away from Kandy, Santani Wellness Resort was my choice of medicine.
So I took off to Colombo with a knot in my stomach. Will my kids be ok? Will my husband manage on his own? I prepared endless to-do lists just in case. You have to understand that I had never before left my kids alone with their father for an entire week. Delegating was never my strong suit. I knew I was going to miss them incredibly and I just prayed that the OCD in me would just let them be! This was after all, a great experience for them as well. Trying to sleep on an overnight flight proved to be fruitless, but as we landed, I had a surge of energy. From Colombo, I had booked a seaplane to Santani and I have to say my fear of heights was at an all-time high as I boarded the seven seater plane and thought to myself: Oh God, hope I make it! Once I calmed my nerves, and got my breathing under control, and the voices in my head subsided, and when I finally worked up the courage to look outside my window, I was simply blown away by the view, Just picture perfect! God’s most beautiful creations were right below me. Endless stretches of forests and jungles in all shades of abundant green, winding rivers and majestic white clouds. As we made a big splash in the water… I sighed, I was alive!
I arrived to Santani midday. My first impression was that it was HOT! Having not slept in 24 hours and knowing that the rooms had no air-conditioning, my mind started racing about how my night was going to be. Heat and sleeplessness was simply a disastrous combination for me! I kept telling myself: ‘Breathe Rita, breathe…’ I was soon welcomed by the staff, I met with the chef who explained that meals were tailored to individual needs, so no menus… And then I was finally shown to my room. As soon as I stepped in, the balcony doors were open, I felt as though I was going to fly away, there was so much wind! Sigh… Relief… It’s not hot! As I looked around my new home for the week, two words described it best: Minimalistic luxury. Nothing fancy, no frills, BUT… The view of nature and all its glory spoke for itself. It felt like my room was literally hanging from the sky and below me were endless mountains of nature that stretched as far as the eye could see. I don’t know if I could have ever had enough of that view. Simply breathtaking…
Later that day, at 2:30pm I had a meeting with the lovely Ayurvedic Doctor. She took her time asking me so many questions about myself and what my goals and objectives were for this retreat. I explained that my priority was to boost my immune system, be more energetic, and eat and live healthy for a week. Based on the Doctor’s observation she determined that my Ayurvedic Dosha (the energies of a person’ makeup) was predominantly Vata with some Pitta elements too. Accordingly, my meals and treatments and massages would be prepared based on my dosha. I was told that I would need to take ghee (clarified butter) every morning on an empty stomach with some warm water in preparation for purgation day (where you spend a day pooping, excuse my French) where I would be able to rid my body of toxins and reset.
And then… The the real fun began… I was ushered away to my first Ayurvedic treatment. Let me pause here for a minute to mention that although I love massages and treatments in general, I am never able to completely relax, my mind is always racing, I often try to use my own music to attempt to relax, but it hardly ever works. Let me tell you though… At Santani, they give relaxation a whole new meaning. Imagine this: Your treatment takes place in a room where one wall is completely open onto nature and the jungle. So the sounds you hear are of birds, monkeys and stillness all at the same time. During one of my treatments, I spotted a Sri Lankan Junglefowl, apparently a rare sight. I digress… The treatment? Simply divine! I don’t know if it was because I was so tired and although I did not sleep during the treatment (I never do), for the first time in my life, I was able to completely unwind and relax at a massage treatment. My mind was not racing 1000 miles per hour. The pressure applied during the treatment, the herbal oils used and the serenity of the treatment room combined put me at great ease and comfort.
As my first day was winding down, I noticed something… I was slowing down. Normally, I am the definition of a busy body and something was slowly changing… I was taking it easy. I walked slower, I did not rush any of my meals, I did not unpack as soon as I checked in (which is typical of me), I took my time while showering, I even lingered. And all the slowing down pleased me. I had absolutely nowhere else to be, my agenda was clear, it was time to focus on just me.
I did not sleep too well the first night, I think I was either overtired or just excited to start a new day. When my alarm went off in the morning, I was relieved. As I opened the curtains, I was not prepared for how cold I felt. It must have been about 15-16 degrees Celsius. Needless to say I bundled up with the thickest clothes I had in my suitcase and headed off to yoga.
I had done quite a bit of yoga in my lifetime, but I had never been steady about it. I think it was part due to my recurrent shoulder injury and part due to the fact that I felt indifferent after most yoga sessions. I rarely found myself blown away by an instructor or found myself wanting more. That all changed in Sri Lanka. I am sure the picturesque setting and practicing in nature helped plenty, but the yoga instructor from India who gave the classes really knew what he was doing. For an hour and a half, I wasn’t looking at my watch and counting minutes. I concentrated on every move, went really slow and when it came time to do the deep breathing, I kept calling my thoughts back and trying to be as present as possible. I struggled on my first day, but every morning afterwards, it just kept getting better and better and I felt my body opening up and being just a tad bit more flexible. I honored my progress, rather than comparing myself to others and how much more or less flexible I was. Funny thing that happened in yoga: I found myself breathing so loudly, especially during my exhales. My exhales were more like deep intense sighs of relief, and although I was self-conscious about my volume at first, I got over it soon enough. Instead, I kept imagining that these exhales were me disposing of my fears, my judgments, my negativity, everything that just did not work for me. And with every inhale, I visualized positivity, life, strength, love and tranquility.
After yoga every morning, a typical day at Santani started off with a lengthy three course breakfast where I would eat and then journal about my day, my thoughts and my feelings, things I noticed. Of course, journaling was not compulsory, but surprisingly, once I started I could not stop, the words just flowed. At 10am on most mornings, my Ayurvedic treatment of 90 minutes would start. Before every session, I would soak in a thermal pool and use the steam room and sauna. This was meant to open up the pores in the body, so the treatments would be more effective. The treatments ranged from body scrubs, to herb filled bundles that were brushed against the body, lemon and vinegar infused rice water which was poured on the body in a continuous motion. Perhaps my favorite treatment was the Shiro Dhara, where lukewarm herbal oil was poured in a continuous stream over my forehead. It totally relieved my sinuses and any headaches I had.
After lunch, on most days I had excursions planned which usually involved a lot of walking in nature, swimming in a river (a first for me), visiting a Buddhist temple, walking through rice fields and tea plantations and more. The sights I came across made me happy from the core of my heart. I had definitely missed being in nature so extensively and purely.
On one special excursion, I went to an old craftsmen’s village, Galmaduwa. One hundred of Sri Lanka’s most esteemed craftsmen were once selected to live in this village. Their specialty involved carving on silver, brass and copper. Their art was often placed in temples or sold to larger shops in cities. I was welcomed into a craftsman’s home, whose forefathers had been the craftsmen of Sri Lankan kings for many generations. He intricately carved an elephant for me on brass and turned it into a keychain in minutes. He then went on to tell me how his craft is slowly dying and how quality is no longer of importance as it used to be. I was honored to be welcomed into his home and introduced to his lovely family, it was a humbling experience. As I prepared to leave, I noticed some very interesting artwork hung on the walls in their family living room. When I asked, their shy 20 year old daughter stepped forward to greet me. Apparently, her artwork was of a different nature. She used colored paper, cut it into small strips, then twisted and turned the colors to create something genius. I was impressed! Each piece of art took her over a month and a half to complete. I have always appreciated people who work with their hands, maybe because I lack such talents myself and it always makes me think about how there is a movement in the world towards everything industrial and factory based, no longer appreciating hard individual work. Sad but true…
Back at Santani, my evenings were the quietest part of my day. Dinner was usually a feast and on most nights I was served Sri Lankan cuisine, which is my absolute favorite. A typical meal, would involve at least six different vegetarian dishes, not including chutney, coconut sambal and red rice. I could never finish it all, so I ate just enough. Some vegetables were very new and exotic to me and they had the strangest names: Snake gourd and kohila ala to name a few. After dinner, the security guard would kindly walk me back to my room with his flashlight, in case some creature decided to pop out of nowhere to surprise me. Although I never came across any scary animals or insects, I was never even bitten by any mosquitos, I did hear of a funny encounter with one of the dear ladies I met at the retreat. She had a visit from a frog in her shower! When she finally managed to get out and call housekeeping to help, they came in and assured her that it was taken care of. The next day, Mr Froggy reappeared between her folded clothes, surprise! And he refused to budge or move, he had found his new home.
Purgation day was interesting. My main meals before and after purgation day included mung bean water, porridge, curd and brown toast. The morning of purgation day I was given some laxatives. After going to the bathroom in the morning as usual, nothing was happening and I was getting antsy and bored just sitting around. I hung out and journaled and read at the pool until 1:30pm when I felt like I needed the bathroom again. Afterwards, I felt like I had run a marathon, so I took a 15 minute nap and when I woke up, I was as good as new. Not only that, but I felt as light as a feather. Although losing weight was not my primary goal, I ended up losing 1.1 kilos in just one week, I am sure the purgation helped plenty. I felt clean, and although I was sleeping an average of six hours a night (my norm is 7-8 hours), I had so much more energy than before.
My ultimate fear going on this retreat was to cry buckets. Being away from my family and friends and everything familiar, I was expecting it. Besides, who am I kidding? I am a total crier! But what I did not expect is the context under which those tears of mine flowed so endlessly... It was my second day at Santani and a new yoga instructor was teaching the morning class. Without ever having met him before, he came up to me during the session and pointed out my weak left shoulder. How did he know? I had been suffering from recurrent shoulder pain for at least three years. We got talking and when I found out he was a Reiki Master, it was a no brainer for me, I had to try a session with him. Keep in mind, I had never tried Reiki before. As a lay down, closed my eyes, even though I could not see the Reiki Master, I knew exactly where he was sitting because I felt heat radiating from my arm, on the right side where I could feel he was sitting. As he moved to my left, my right arm cooled and my left arm was now burning up. As he started chanting, I felt I was in a euphoric state and that something was being drawn out of my face, it was like I was being pulled up. It was strange. Being an Access Bars Facilitator, I am a total believer in energy, but I had never experienced such intensity before. As the Reiki master shared his thoughts with me, a few things he said really stood out for me. He told me I had so much energy around me, not energy in terms of vigor, but a different kind of energy which I have not yet been able to channel and put to good use. He also pointed out that I tended to absorb peoples’ energy around me to the point where it ended up being so emotionally taxing on me (so true). Although I knew and understood everything the Reiki Master was saying up to this point, it was different hearing it from a total stranger, maybe even awakening. It was the very last thing he said to me that started the tears flowing. We were talking about my sinuses and health when out of nowhere he said: ‘I also wanted to tell you that your mother loves you very much.’ He barely finished his sentence and I burst into tears and I could not help myself. I was practically wailing. I put my hands on my face, I felt embarrassed. After trying to console me, the Reiki Master asked me if my mother lived far away from me. I said yes. He said I should call her. I don’t think I will forget this moment and how it moved me. I felt the flood of emotions came from a very deep place, and I was releasing years of bottled up emotions. The tears strangely put me at ease, it was as though I had sighed out all ill feeling, it was like a weight that was off my shoulders and I was overcome by feelings of peace. Although I may not always show it, I love my family especially my parents very deeply, and with my mom having gone through cancer and a tough recovery in the recent past, those words uttered by the Reiki master had hit home. In retrospect, it was humbling to be reminded of my mom’s love for me, I also think that in that moment, it is exactly what I needed to hear. As the tears subsided, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude to this stranger who reminded me of the ones closest to my heart.
At Santani, I met some beautiful souls. I always considered myself an extravert only when in familiar settings. I did not see myself striking up a conversation with strangers and getting to know them over a meal or two. I also assumed that people who went on retreats appreciated silence, not company. As a result, when I first arrived to Santani, I kept to myself. Soon after, my preconceptions were proven wrong on so many levels. What I happily discovered was that: (1) I was not going to die of loneliness during my retreat and (2)I AM an extravert even when around strangers. Every day, I met beautiful souls, on a journey like myself. I was eventually able to have a family of my own making at Santani, between guests, practitioners, waiters, managers, guides. We would exchange stories about our countries, our families, our hardships and our joys. I had the honor of dining with like-minded people who shared their journeys with me and it humbled me. I discovered that like-minded people did not have to look or speak like myself, we are all but souls looking to better ourselves. It dawned on me that I felt more connected to some of these people than others I had known for many years.
So what happened to my family back home while I was gone? Did they suffer, call me all the time, freak out, cry? No, that was just all in my head, my fears, me freaking out over nothing. My family gave me the space I needed. We would speak once a day and that was it. I always had my phone with me in case of emergency, but thankfully, I never needed to use it. In their part of the world, my husband and kids were getting closer, they were connecting more, spending quality time together. My eldest even admitted that him and his brother did not fight at all while I was gone... After he said that, I thought to myself: Maybe I should leave more often? Maybe that will keep them on track!
Before I left Santani, a dear soul I had the pleasure of meeting there asked: What was my greatest take away from my retreat? I can’t remember what I answered at the time, but looking back now, I would say it was the exclusive opportunity to completely reset my life, to start over, blank slate. Nothing in the past mattered, just fully living in the present and looking ahead in a positive light. The beauty of it was that the process of reaching this state was purely organic, natural and so incredibly memorable. It was an experience I would hold dear to my heart and never forget.
Unfortunately, I came back home to face some trying times. Thanks to the Corona epidemic, our lives were shifted upside down. What we knew was no more, and we had to transform ourselves and adapt to new harsh realities. My old pre-retreat self would have tried to control the situation, my mind would have been overwhelmed with thoughts day in and day out and although I still experience that every now and then, I feel much more equipped in accepting my predicament, even seeing the silver lining as unclear as it may seem. My avid love and dedication to meditation and yoga which was ignited at Santani also played a major role in my state of my mind, by body and my sanity.
At my core, I believe everything happens for a reason. How perfect was the timing of my retreat? Just days before everything I know as normal came to a halt. Maybe I was meant to go on my retreat, to equip myself with so many tools to handle the upheaval I was about to experience.
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